The Ultimate Fanfic of Everything
by Elliot Pole
Summary: Characters from any TV show, book, or film I have enjoyed could appear in here. Rating has gone up wince there is now a kissing scene that could ge grotesque to children.
1. Chapter 1

The Ultimate Fic of Everything

**The Ultimate Fanfic of Everything**

It was Harry's sixth year at Hogwarts. He had just avoided another potion Romilda Vane had tried to slip him, when an arrow came out of nowhere and shot him in the heart.

"Owww…" he moaned. He fell unconscious.

When he came to, he found himself in the hospital wing. Harry saw a female form standing over him, and at first thought it was Madam Pomfrey. But no, it was Romilda.

"Hey, darling," she said, stroking his hair. Harry enjoyed it, though he didn't want to. And his heart did flip-flops. Why it was doing this, he had no idea. Did he perhaps eat hopping pancakes for breakfast? No. And why was an image of him kissing Romilda in a dark corridor popping in his brain, and worst of all, making him feel happy?

A shocking realization came to him. Harry wanted Romilda more than he had ever wanted Cho. He had to have her. Nothing less would suit him. Then he found himself grabbing her about the shoulders, pulling her close. He kissed her vehemently. She kissed back, with an eagerness that he had not even imagined.

Madam Pomfrey came into the room. "Miss Vane, I would please ask you to not excite the patient! And 'kissing' is under the heading of 'excitement!'"

Romilda stopped, but Harry wanted to continue. Madam Pomfrey ordered Romilda to leave the room. As she did so, she looked back at Harry, her expression forlorn.

Madam Pomfrey tended Harry. Afterward, she returned to her office. He wanted to go back to sleep, but couldn't. Harry could feel glowing eyes staring at him. Not wizard eyes either. The eyes of some wild beast.

"I know you can see my eyes, Mr. Potter." A tiger stepped out from behind the shadows. Harry was startled and almost screamed. "Don't be frightened. My name is Sher Khan. I was originally a character in a novel by Rudyard Kipling, which I'm sure your friend Miss Granger has read. Since then, Disney has made me a star."

"Disney?"

"Walt Disney Pictures. You saw _The Little Mermaid, _didn't you?"

"No, but I've heard of it. The Dursleys never let me watch that stuff. They called it nonsense. 'Animals don't talk,' they used to say."

"Oh, this is just great! I come to see a wizard raised by Muggles, and he's never seen a movie by Walt Disney! I'm so insulted, I think I'll let out a hairball!"

"Tigers do that?"

"No. And I'm being sarcastic. Of course, I think Rajah does throw up hairballs…disgusting little pet tiger he is."

"Okay, Sher Khan. What do you want?"

"What do I want? To destroy all human beings, that's what!"

Harry stared at him blankly for a moment, then said, "Well, good luck with that."

Sher Khan growled. "You are going to help me."

"No, I'm not," Harry said, defiantly.

"If you don't help me, I'll get Lucinda to put a curse on you so that you have to obey every command I give you!"

"Who the frinks is Lucinda?"

Sher Khan smiled, an evil toothy grin. "I'm surprised at you, Mr. Potter. Using fowl language like an owl. Too bad your little Snowy isn't a character in The Guardians of Ga'Hoole."

"The Guardians of _what?"_

"Ga'Hoole. Wait, what year is this book set in? Oh, 1997…you haven't heard of Soren and company yet."

"Who is Soren? And Lucinda? Why are you naming all these foreign people?"

"Soren is an owl who is the leader of the Chaw of Chaws, along with Gylfie, Otulissa, Twilight, Digger, Martin, and Ruby. Lucinda is a fairy who occasionally bestows gifts on people. _Horrible _gifts, though she thinks they are good ones. And I am naming them because I can."

And with that, Sher Khan began disappearing, first his tail, then his legs, all the way to his head. His grin was the last part to disappear.

Harry had no idea how Lucinda would help Sher Khan convince him to destroy mankind. Just the thought of killing Ron, Hermione, Romilda, or even Malfoy, made him cringe. Let alone strangers.

He went to sleep and had a dream about a Hawaiian girl buying a blue dog from a pet store, and another one about a man who travelled to a planet in a ship that looked like it belonged on water, and another about a lion who spoke to four children, telling them they would one day come back to the world of Talking Beasts, Narplia or something like that…

When Harry awoke this time, he felt something prickly on his neck. He moved his hand over to that area and it brushed—a face! Then he realized…somebody was sucking his blood out of the side of his neck! His hand was very pale. The other person pulled the fangs out of him, and he got a clear picture of her.

Her skin was like marble in color. She was very petite, about four feet, ten inches tall. Her hair was jet-black and barely reached her shoulders. And she was the most beautiful girl Harry had ever laid eyes on. (Not that he forgot his precious Romilda, but this girl looked better.)

"I'm…Alice Cullen," she said. "I wasn't trying to kill you by biting you, only to wake you up. I'm a vegetarian vampire, which means I only drink the blood of animals, not humans. However, I couldn't resist slurping yours: your scent is more exhilarating than anything I've ever encountered."

She said this in a hurry, as if she feared going at normal speed would be too slow for Harry, or that she wanted to say this but not have him understand.

"You're a _vampire?"_

"Yes, but I'm not a Rowling vampire. I'm a Meyer one. Just as there are many differences between a Paolini dragon and a Wrede dragon, so I am nothing like the vampires you know."

"So why are you here?"

"Oh, I'm looking for the White Rabbit. Sher Khan told me he'd be dropping by to see you at about three in the morning."

Harry pulled out his wand, whispered _"Lumos!" _and held the light to his watch. "It's only one p.m. You can't wait here for two hours."

"No, I suppose not. Well, I guess I'll let you go back to sleep, and I'll be sure to wake you with other means than drinking your blood when I return." She had one eye open and the other closed. "Unless you don't mind me sucking your blood."

"No, I don't mind."

"Well, all right then."

Alice moved toward the door in such a swift motion that Harry would've thought she was a breeze of wind if he hadn't known the truth. He went back to sleep, wondering only lightly who the White Rabbit was.


	2. Chapter 2

**The Ultimate Fanfic of Everything**

**Chapter Two**

While Harry was laying in bed, dreaming of Romilda Vane and awaiting the return of Alice Cullen, Hermione couldn't get any sleep.

_I guess I'll get back to my novel, _she thought. She got some parchment and walked down to the common room, which was empty. She began writing.

"Maurecia believed there were no wizards or witches in the entire world, but she thought it would be fun to invent them. She thought of a place called Friurday, which would be a magical school like Hogwarts. Friurday is in Chicago, Illinois.

"She had a hard time coming up with character's names, but finally settled on Bigwhip Valour, Tig Gotwin, and Victoria Sprollax. Then she had to come up with a good way to bring them together, and make sure she knew their personality traits like the back of her own hand. There were other issues…"

Let's leave Hermione to her writing for a minute. There are such pleasures in watching a sixteen-year-old girl sweeping her quill across a piece of parchment, producing a creative work. Or better yet, we can watch as characters appear and disappear and talk to her.

Look, here's her first visitor for the night. It looks like…no it can't be! But it is. It's a beaver.

"Pardon me, Miss Granger," says our friend, the beaver.

She looks up from her novel, startled.

"I was wondering if I might trouble you with a baffling conundrum that is on my mind."

"No, this is impossible! Beavers can't talk. This must be some form of ventriloquism. Ron, you can out from behind whatever chair your hiding. Where you learned ventriloquism I cannot fathom."

"Ahem," said the beaver. "I am _not _a half-brained wizard doing ventriloquism. I am a citizen of Narnia, and I want answers."

"Narnia?" Hermione's eyes popped. "Oh, I read that series when I was about ten years old. I love C.S. Lewis."

"Good. Well, I was wondering if you know any spells for fighting the White Witch. It's expedient that I end the endless winter with no Christmas."

"Why don't you just wait for the Pevensie children?"

"They've been taken forever," the beaver said, shaking a hairy paw. "My kind can't stand being oppressed anymore."

"Well, I'll try to come up with a solution. Come back in a couple of days and I'll have a solution."

"Thank you, thank you!" said the beaver. Then he vanished.

Hermione went back to writing her novel, but not five minutes elapsed before she was interrupted again.

This time a Teddy Bear in a Rangers cap was tugging her sleeve. "Her-mi-o-nee," it said. "Our most precious, benefactor…"

"Oh, this is ridiculous. A beaver I can believe, but a teddy bear? Ron, show yourself, now!"

"Oh, please, miss, none of that rubbish. I have a migraine. I just wanted to let you know that unless you find a way to travel back to 1903 within the next twelve hours, teddy bears will never be invented, and it'll be all your fault."

Before Hermione could yell at the teddy bear, it vanished.

"Great," she muttered to herself. "I'm having hallucinations. I'd better go to sleep."

But she had just rolled up her parchment when a yellow animal appeared on the table. It had black eyes and a strange tail, which was shaped like a thunder bolt. Its cheeks were red, not from blushing, but natural red. And the tips of its ears were black. "Pika?" it said, when Hermione looked at it.

"I don't know what to do with you," she said. She reached out to pat its belly. Suddenly she felt a jolt throughout her whole body, as if she had just been fried with electricity. But how could that be?

"Oh, I'm sorry," said a voice to Hermione's left. "My friend Ash let his Pikachu run away in the forest last night. I had to chase it all the way here."

Hermione looked at the speaker, who was a girl with red hair, wearing a yellow shirt. She grabbed the yellow animal, and extended her hand to Hermione. "Name's Misty. What's yours?"

"Hermione Granger."

"Well, pleased to meet you. I'll just—"

But Misty had gone, and in her place stood a fat Japanese guy in a white shirt and black overalls. "I'LL KILL VALMONT!" he said in a voice that made Hermione fear that she'd go deaf.

"Please, sir, there's no Valmont here."

'I DON'T' CARE. HE WOULDN'T GIVE ME GRAPE SODA, AND I'M TIRED OF HUNTING DOWN TALISMANS!"

Hermione considered using the Silencing Spell on the Japanese fellow. But he vanished, too.

Hoping that she'd see no more apparitions that night, she went to the stairway leading to the girls' dormitories.

There was a seventeen-year-old girl there. But she wasn't dressed in robes. Instead, she was wearing a T-shirt, jeans, and boots. And she was crying.

"What's the matter?" Hermione asked.

"The boy I love," the girl said through her tears. "He was supposed to be here when the lizards started running. And they're running now, but he hasn't come back yet! What is taking him so darn long?"

"You've got issues."

But the girl had vanished. Hermione shrugged and proceeded up the stairs to the dormitories. Right in front of the door which read SIXTH-YEARS, were a couple of blond girls who looked exactly alike.

"Hi, I'm Elizabeth Wakefield," said one twin.

"And I'm Jessica Wakefield," said the other.

"We have a big—"

"—problem. See, we watched this anime called _Candy Boy—"_

"—and we realized—"

"—that we—"

"—feel that way—"

"—about each other."

"What way?" Hermione asked.

"You've seen it?"

"No. I don't even know what anime is."

"Oh, that's right. In this story, it's still 1997," said Elizabeth (or was it Jessica).

"But in our story it's still the nineties, and we got to see it!"

"Yes, Jess, but they don't have television or the Internet in this wizarding school. Electronics don't work here."

"Well, anyhow, should we tell her about it? It might gross her out."

"Just tell me," said Hermione. "I'm dreadfully curious."

"Promise not to faint?"

"I promise," Hermione said.

"We're in love with each other."

"Excuse me?"

"We dig one another. We want to be united in holy matrimony, and to know no one other than each other for bed partners."

"Lizzie, maybe we'd better show her."

The girls kissed. Hermione fainted.


End file.
